Me in a muddle!!

I haven't been on here in over a year! So many changes have happened in our lives, I don't know where to begin.
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is my Dad. Nearing the end of the year 2009. When it first happened I scribbled a few words on a crumpled piece of paper. I came across it today.

Sitting in the bedroom folding the washing, sweating and wishing it was all done.
The phone rings, it's late, I scream out "leave us alone" with a smile on my face.
I pick up the handset, "hello" and I hear the desperate voice. I drop to my knees and scream as though I had been stabbed in the chest. My mind swirls as though it's a big black nothing and my hands are shaking. "Im coming, I'm coming" I hear myself say.

That's as much as I wrote, but I intend to finish the "story" one of these days.
My Dad had a massive stroke. Totally unexpected, totally heartbreaking, lessons totally learned.

I guess another big event was that the girls went back into the school system. I have regretted that decision ever since I made it. I think I was too hasty because I felt out of control, just having had a new baby and feeling the need to care for my parents. I wish I had stopped for a moment and taken a breath and realized that those feelings would pass. I miss home school and the tender feelings that come with having my children learning and growing with me.
Recently they have asked to come home again. You would think that I would be jumping for joy yet I'm a muddled mess!! The thing is I don't trust myself anymore. What if other trials come (and they are sure too) and I freak out again? I don't want to be one of those Mother's who pull their kids in and out of school. So I battle with myself everyday. One minute yes! the next minute No!
Arghhh my head hurts !